One Change Changes Everything -Life Today. Some are small decor changes and some are huge life changes. I have had so many loving emails asking how I am doing? Your love and support are priceless as I try to navigate this new road I am on.
(Change one thing and everything changes)
With the passing of Jim, I am learning that one change changes everything in so many ways. Two months down this new road is one I never wanted to travel, and one that has so many more bumps in it than I could have ever anticipated.
LIFE TODAY: My heart truly ached as many of you shared your story of how you walked this path before me after losing your husband. This is an honest post telling all the good bad and ugly. I am sharing so that others don’t feel like they are wallowing in self-pity or going crazy. These are all the emotions we are all feeling or have gone through. We will all come out on the other side of this journey whole and intact, but for now, things look a little shaky.
My life right now –
My world is a little fragile at the moment. I had no idea my heart could be broken into a gazillion pieces and hurt so bad. Tears seem to flow at any moment for no reason. Staying busy has been the best way to keep my sanity as I try to walk through all the necessary legal and everyday changes in the last two months.
The loss of my precious husband Jim has been the most devastating loss in my life. I miss him so much and how he always showed me unconditional love. He was my best friend and so much more. They say you can never really prepare for the death of a loved one, whether the death is sudden or following a long illness. either way, in an instant, your world changes. Jim and I were married for 36 years. I loved being his wife. I loved everything about our life together. Now it’s just me and I feel cheated, sad, and angry because we were really happy. One moment I’m married, cherished, and loved- the next I’m alone and grieving. It just doesn’t seem fair. I can’t help but have envy when I see a couple together. Be sure to show that person how much you love them and tell them every day. Jim always made sure I knew I was loved. He was always so generous with his hugs and kisses and telling me he loved me. I miss that so much. I thought Jim and I would have the rest of our lives together.
They say there are 7 stages of Grief.
- shock
- denial
- bargaining
- guilt
- anger
- depression
- acceptance
I am in the middle of the first six. Acceptance seems to be the hardest and I am not there at all yet. I am trying to give myself some grace, this is a whole new ball game for me and one that is not that easy to handle. I would love to have things back to “normal”, but it seems that I am creating a “new normal” even if I don’t want to.
One of the newest changes happened the other day as I was filling out some legal paperwork. I have been known as “wife” for so many wonderful years and that is the way I think of myself. This new paperwork had me use the name Widow. I know that is the correct legal term, but that brought on a flood of tears that wouldn’t seem to stop. There are so many “new changes” and each one seems to throw me for a loop.
While all of this is hard to navigate, there have been happy moments. The love and support of all of you and my family and close friends here at home have made each day easier. Everyone has made sure that I am looked after, well-fed, and included in every outing and event. This has made the days seem so much more “normal”. I love having lunch, shopping, laughing with friends, and playing with the grands. All of these moments are priceless to help me along this new road.
I have the most wonderful memories of my life with Jim and I am finding out they are more precious than gold. So many everyday moments remind me of him and the fun we always had, his wonderful laughter and his beautiful smile. He is part of every moment of every day in my heart. Having those wonderful memories can never be taken away.
Thank you all so much for your caring emails and cards. Bloggers are amazing and such a caring and loving group of ladies. You guys are my rocks. Doing things around the house and sharing on my blog keeps me sane. It’s my one link to some kind of “normal”. I love to read your blogs and enjoy your world and I can’t thank you enough for sharing mine. I know, like so many before me, the day will come when I will be able to remember Jim and our wonderful life without a flood of tears, only smiles. However I feel a little weak and unsteady on my feet at the moment as I try to navigate this new road, but I am getting stronger every day with all of your help. Thank you all, you are a true Blessing to me.
Your post was so touching…so sorry for your pain. You had a wonderful marriage and that loss is awful. I am keeping you in my prayers for comfort and peace. And thank you for the reminder to cherish every day with the ones we love. Blessings to you!
Marty,
I have followed your blog for a long time because you have a way of expressing your thoughts that I can relate to. I had tears as I read this entry because I can feel your pain thru your words. I have been married for 56 years to my husband & best friend. We are at the stage of our lives where we know this time is approaching for us and both of us are making sure that express our love every day because we never know what is ahead. My heart hurts for you because you and Jim did not have those extra years. Thank you for sharing.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Give yourself time and grace. One thing I learned while grieving is that those feelings are completely normal and the seven stages are not the type you take and move on. Sadly they’re interchangeable. I always felt like I was moving backwards…thought I was over one stage and lo and behold it came back! Take a deep breath; cherish your memories; cry when you need to; reach out to family and friends. Most of all – you be you and be patient with yourself!
Bless you Marty. You are going through this so well. I won’t pretend I can imagine because I can’t but I can only guess that keeping busy is a number one way to keep your mind occupied. After a while I imagine the memories will comfort you and ease the pain. Thank you for being so honest I’m sure you will help many others with this update. Big hugs, Liz
Marty, I’m so glad you posted a followup. I think of you often and wondered how you were doing. I can’t imagine the heart ache you are going through, but I pray that the Lord wraps His arms around you and gets you through this hard time. I’m so sorry again for your loss, there’s no easy way to let a loved one go. Hugs to you, sweet lady.
Marty thank you for sharing your heart. I think of you often and I pray that in time you will reach that final stage of grief and all the wonderful memories will bring a smile to your face. We never get over losing someone we love and my heart hurts for you. I’m sending you hugs and well wishes. You are so strong and I pray for you sweet Friend.
hugs and blessings,
Sissie
Oh Marty! There are no words. My heart breaks for you. This damn virus has turned so many of our worlds upside down. Though I still have my hubby I struggle with a new normal as well. Spring and summer were a very scary time for us and at the time I wasn’t sure we would pull thru it. Though my hubby is doing much better there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wonder if he’s just saying he’s fine. I found myself very lost but as you I found getting back to my projects and sharing has helped me tremendously. It also gives my family a sense of our old normal which we crave so much. Anyways, hugs Marty! You are thought of often my friend.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. My heart goes out to you. As I haven’t been through this myself I have no words that may help. I have been through another devastating life altering change of my life and I found reading my bible, especially Psalms, helped more than anything else. One bible verse comes to mind: The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit – Psalms 34:18. Saying that verse over and over when you are hurting will give you peace. Philippians 4:7 promises: “The peace of God which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.” My prayer for you is that you will experience this peace that passes all understanding as you grow closer to the Lord Jesus Christ. May He Bless you abundantly.
The last four weeks I’ve thought of you often since my husband was diagnosed with this evil virus and spent 18 days in ICU with double pneumonia. I got to bring him home last Sunday. A mere shadow of the man I dropped off at the hospital but he came home. We’ve only been married 12 years but I can’t imagine life without him. I’ve prayed for you during this time hoping you would find peace. It brought me comfort to pray for you not knowing the outcome of my situation. We still have a long journey ahead but I believe he will fully recover. At 74, it takes a little longer to rebound. You are an inspiration and such a strong woman. Remember, God has you in his loving arms and allow him to be your strength and wisdom. You remain in my prayers. Patty
I am so glad to hear that your hubby is home, such an answer to prayer. I will continue to pray for his full recovery. God Bless. I am so happy for you, truly happy.
Marty, you’ve been in prayers daily through all of this and I thank you for the candid update. I’ve been through several other kinds of grief so would never say that I know how you feel, because I don’t, but I do know how unpredictable it all is–some days you’re in those first six stages before you’ve even had your morning coffee! I appreciate the effort that it takes to push through from one day to the next and you continue to do so. Sending you love from overseas–Christy
Thank you for this brave post. You will help so many with this! I remember checking the “widow” box and it threw me for a loop, for sure! That lasted a long time. Keeping you in my prayers as you play this part that you didn’t audition for but got cast in anyway. Lots of love to you.
I love you so much. You are one of those precious friends that have carried me through this so far. Thank you will never be enough.
Hi Marty — I’m so glad you posted this, since I have often wondered how you are doing. Reading your blog I could easily see that you and Jim were real partners. And now reading this I can see that you are moving forward as best you can, keeping busy, keeping family and friends nearby, and keeping Jim near in your heart where he will always be. Godspeed.
I have been there and I experienced all of the emotions that you have shared. Some stages were harder for me than others, and it took me a long time to ‘surface’. I stayed at rock-bottom for a long time. You are right to get out and do something with friends and to be creative, when you can. I admire you and your ability to express your feelings…that will help so many others. Keeping you in my prayers for comfort and strength, and peace.
I am so sorry you have traveled this road, it is not an easy one to navigate. God Bless you – keeping you in my prayers too
I appreciate you opening up and giving us an update on your life. I have thought of you often and wondered about how you are doing. Continued prayers for you.
Thank you so much for sharing this post! I am so sorry for the pain you are going through and you are in my prayers always. You have helped so many of us over the years with our homes. I know this post will help so many more with their hearts. God bless you, Marty!
Marty you are experiencing life’s hardest tragedy. The loss of your sweet husband and love of your life. A big part of who you are is gone and new normals and challenges everyday must feel overwhelming at times. I love that you shared your heart and where you are in your grief. I know it will help so many that are going through what you are but it also helps the rest of us too. We are not feeling that great loss like you but it makes us think about how blessed we are to not have a loss such as yours and how important our loved ones are in our lives. I pray for you daily that your journey through grief will be tolerable. I am sure each new day brings on many new challenges and changes for you. Big hugs sweet friend.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I just wanted to tell you that there is no timeline on grieving, so take all the time that you need. My heart is with you ❤️
My sweet Marty, I understand but I also realize that everyone’s journey is dffierent and so very personal. I wish it could be easier, but I truly believe when you love deeply, you will grieve deeply. It’s so hard to have to take care of all the legality and changing of names on accounts etc. right after you lose your loved one. I remember every call, every signature and each time I bawled on the phone when I had to say the date he died, it was like I was living it all over again. Everyone was so patient and gentle with me and for that I am grateful. It’s the hardest thing anyone will ever go through, but you will get through it sometimes, kicking and screaming and other times you go with the flow. Allow yourself grace and feel all the feels, the good, bad and the ugly. I know you have a loving God and family and that will be your stronghold. Sending you love, compassion and a hug.
I so remember when you were walking this road and you did it with such love and grace. Thank you for your love and support, you have been a Blessing to me. You are such a roll model to follow.
Thank you Marty for sharing from your heart and telling it like it is………..grief has no time limit, and shedding those tears whenever they happen are probably the most healing and cleansing thing you can do for yourself. There is a scripture that says God bottles up
our tears. I found that to be very interesting……and because I am a crier myself many times, whether happy or sad, it intrigued me. It is in Psalm 56:9 in the new living translation. So think God approves for sure.
After being married for nearly 50 yrs. I can only imagine how painful and difficult this is….but it seems to me….you are doing well in your progress for just 2 months in……and it is so good you have such great memories of him, which I hear helps so much. I am so sorry you are having to travel this road, as I am sure it is excruciating at times. Know that my prayers are still and have been with you thru this most difficult time in life. Also thanks for the admonition to us to realize how precious life is, and that we never know what a day will bring, so to make the best of it.
You are a dear lady and altho I don’t know you up close and personal, I have enjoyed you and your blog and getting to know you
for years now, so you are like a long distance friend………so I wish you well my friend, and I hope you continue to keep us a breast of how you are really doing, so that we can continue to help pray you thru this time…..
Hope today is a good day for you hon.
Love and Blessings,
Nellie
Marty, thank you for opening your heart and sharing the good, bad, and ugly with us. Know that most of us include you in our daily prayers. My daughter lost her husband suddenly three years ago. She has difficulty moving on.
A friend went to a grief class some years back. One of the helpful things she did was write a letter to her husband (for her only).
As a cancer survivor, I clearly remember this quote in a large print Reader’s Digest in the oncologist’s waiting room:
“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is kind of like telling a charging bull you are a vegetarian”
-Dennis Wholey.
I pray for your continued wellness. We know you had the virus too.
I’m so sorry that you lost your husband to Covid. I “lost “ my husband in Jan 2013 when he had a sudden and severe mental breakdown. Eventually he was diagnosed with early onset Lewy Body dementia. While he is still alive, he has lived in assisted living since his release from a prolonged stay in the hospital. Life as I knew it and my expectations for our joint retirement ended abruptly. I’ve experienced the various stages of grief i sometimes wonder if I’ll experience all them all again when his deteriorating brain shuts his organs down. I had to take his name off our family trust when the kids and I decided to do a conservancy. I’ve had to make all decisions on my own which took some getting used to. I’m blessed to have the support of my kids. I’m writing this as I sit in a park in VA where I, my oldest and her husband are visiting one of my granddaughters. Tomorrow we head back to CA. After spending a week with family it will be strange to be back in my house with just my dog! I’m glad You have your faith to help you as your life changes. I can’t imagine navigating life changes and grief without the continued presence of the Lord!
I am so sorry for you that you are having to navigate down this bumpy road. I have a friend who has been traveling the same road for a few years now and I have witnessed first hand how hard it is to have him in an assisted living home and wonder if he will remember her each time she goes to visit. I think that would be harder than losing them to death, you have to watch him pass away daily. My heart, thoughts, and prayers are with you. You are suffering such a terrible loss. God Bless.
Thank you for posting about you and your feeling after such a terrible loss. At every phrase you have described your God blessed marriage to the love of your life, my heart aches for you. All I can say is that, that is how I would feel if I lost the love of my life.
I always pray so that God can give you everyday the strength and keep your side while you Stroll Thru this new Life path.
From very far away, I send you a warm hug.
Fabby.
Thank you for this update, Marty. You are in my thoughts and prayers so often. I haven’t had to go through this loss yet and I can only imagine the heartache – the thought of it really scares me. You were so blessed to have Jim in your life and I pray that someday you can remember those blessings without tears. Continued prayer for your heart healing.
Marty,
You are navigating this road with grace and strength! You are such an inspiraiton friend. I am so sorry for the loss of your best friend—-I know he was so special to you!
Sending you extra thoughts and prayers friend!
KariAnne
Marty, you have been on my mind constantly. I’m in awe of the way you’re putting one foot in front of the other each day. I was 12 when I lost my dad. It affected my greatly, but even then, I knew that it was nothing compared to what my mom was feeling. He was her partner, her love, her companion and best friend. I actually wrote about it not too long ago after we went to the funeral of a friend who has lost her own husband around the same age as my mom. I think it hit me hard, because now I’m a wife and truly understand the depths of what that means. I know there are lots of words about how lucky you were to have a known a love like that, that many people don’t, and while those words are meant to comfort, they are also a reminder of the magnitude of your loss. I wish you strength on your journey my friend. I wish you days full of distraction and wonderful memories of Jim. Sending you big hugs.
I’m so sorry you have to navigate this road Marty. I have seen my best friend go through this and it is horrible to see. For the first year of her husband’s death we rarely left her side. Luckily at the time were two blocks away.
I have spent most of my life with my husband and we truly love each other but we are also best friends. We like each other so much after 35 years together.
I will continue keeping you in my thoughts.
Cindy
My husband died suddenly last year. We were married young and had 45 years together. I wear my ring and consider myself still married. He is just away for awhile. I even speak of him in the present tense as in, “We love to go to Alaska”. Habits are hard to break. I too am envious of all older couples I see. I’m trying to look for silver linings – our children and grandchildren for sure. I wish I could get interested in other things, but it is not to be. I was his and he was mine and life has lost that spark. I’m trying to be thankful for the long time we had together.
Susan ~
I still wear my ring too and I also wear his on my other hand. I am still married in my heart and always will be. I am so sorry you are suffering this terrible loss too. It is such a hard thing to live with. I cherish our children and grandchildren also, but that doesn’t make up for the loss of him on a daily basis. God Bless you and keep you during this terrible time. Marty
I could have written this. Everything you wrote is exactly how I felt and now am feeling after 2 years. There is nothing you can think or feel that we that have experienced it haven’t also. As they say, “this deep grief is what comes after loving so much, so completely”. I never could have imagined what my father, mother-in-law and friends felt. I feel that everything I said and did for them, while comforting and helpful, could not come close to alleviating their pain. May God continue to bless you.
Marty,
I am so sorry for your loss. I pray for you as you navigate the life changes you face. Although I’ve never met you I feel I know you from following your blog… you are a sincere, strong woman with faith that will help you through this.
Joyce
Such an honest post, Marty. I believe your words and experience can be a help to others. For me, I have not found the stages of grief applicable. I don’t think we all go through them as stated. Possibly they can be a guide, but they’re not an absolute. Grieving certainly is a process seemingly without end. Often it feels like one step forward, then two steps back. You’re forever changed and a hole remains the rest of your life. Four and a half years after losing my son, I do think of happy memories and smile and cherish them, but I can’t really say they give me comfort. Just writing this brings tears to my eyes. Take things one step at a time – two months is a very short time. Give yourself all the grace you need. Fragile is a very apt description.
My heart goes out to you. I can not imagine the pain you are feeling. Hold on tight to your memories. God will see you through.
Thank you so much for opening your heart and sharing your journey. My husband and I have spent the past year in a long and painful fight with pancreatic cancer, a fight no one was certain he would win. Against all odds we have come through, but in the worst bleak moments, the grief seemed overwhelming. It was nothing compared to your grief and pain, but it gave me a small idea of what it would be like to endure that devastation of loss. God will give you strength to get through this.
The feeling of alone is like none other. Our 36 years together was much like yours. It’s hard to believe in Feb. it will be 7 years that he left our earth for his Heavenly home. 7 years of trying to adapt to doing things on your own, always alone. Friends have left for whatever reason, the seclusion is the only way I can adapt to being myself and having my feelings heard through out my home, if these walls could talk. My thoughts and continual prayers go out to you on this journey only you know how to navigate.
Marty, I am so very sorry about your new normal. I lost both of my parents by the time I was 17. It was a trauma that has impacted my life over the years. While I don’t know what you are going through, I can see some of the same elements of grief. Last year after my step mom died, I picked up the cleaning. There was a strange black shirt mixed in with Bill’s dress shirts. I tried to give it back because I didn’t think it was ours. Our dear cleaner insisted that it was mine. It was the shirt that my son wore to the memorial service. I’d completely forgotten and I promptly burst into tears. Grief comes in waves. I’m so glad to read that you have a support network around you as you navigate uncharted waters. Hugs to you. Lifting up a prayer for you.
Katie
MARTY,
WHAT A WONDERFUL POST. THANK YOU FOR YOUR HONESTY AND SHARING YOUR HEART. I THINK JIM IS LOOKING DOWN AND GUIDING YOU AND CHEERING YOU ON-YOU CAN SEE IT IN YOUR POSTS AND WRITTEN WORDS.LOVE, LAURA