Hallmark had a commercial that ran all winter for When Calls The Heart where Elizabeth is told “You lost your husband, but you will find your way.” I kept hearing that all year, my only question was how and when.
August 13, 2020 is the day Jim went to be with the Lord and my world changed forever. Yesterday, August 12th was my birthday and I remember so well the worst phone call of my life last year in the wee hours of my birthday, “I needed to come to the hospital to say goodbye and let Jim go”.
I had just been released from the hospital a few days before from having Covid and pneumonia. Because Jim had Covid I couldn’t go in his room. This hideous disease had attacked his heart and kidneys, and his organs were shutting down. He went from a person with no underlying conditions to life support in a few days. They needed my permission to turn the machines off. I could only see him through the window and tell him how much I loved him. I had to let him go and it was tearing me apart. He didn’t know I was there, but it meant the world to me to see him and tell him how much I loved him. I needed to tell him it was ok and I would be fine, for him to rest and be at peace. I knew the Lord was waiting for him.
The truth was with him gone I was anything but “fine”. I was one hot mess trying to figure out how he was gone so fast and most of all I struggled with “why”. The first few months I not only grieved, but I was mad at God. How could he take Jim? I didn’t know this kind of pain existed. My insides were being ripped apart piece by piece. I am so grateful for the wonderful family and friend support group that stood by me at that time. They loved and took care of me when I could hardly love anything.
When life throws something at you that’s devastating, my tendency is to try and “fix” it. I couldn’t “fix” this. I didn’t know how to move forward or how to imagine my life without Jim. Nothing made sense to me.
I miss him more than anything and I still could ask a million questions and ask why a million times, however, I’ve learned that question is never going to be answered. They say that acceptance is the final stage of grieving. I don’t know that I will ever reach that stage, however, I do know that as many oceans of tears I’ve cried and no matter how hard I pray, he isn’t coming back.
Gradually I started trying to find the good in each day and be thankful for my friends and family. Little by little things started working into a new routine. I love taking care of my home, working on my blog, and visiting all of you guys’ blogs to see what you’ve been up to. Get together’s with friends and family are wonderful times. I make sure to get out and about – I still love to go thrifting. I visit Jim’s grave 1 to 2 times a week, I like to talk to him and tell him what’s happening with the family and in the world. I am sure he’s excited that we are expecting two new grandbabies. I also make sure he has pretty flowers at all times.
Memories of our years together and our travels and family times are my most treasured memories. So many daily things remind me of these precious times and make me smile. Yes, sometimes they make me cry, but mostly they make me happy to remember.
I’m trying to count my blessings instead of what I’ve lost. I was blessed to have 36 years with Jim, those truly were happy years. Not everyone has been blessed with that. Instead of spending my life grieving what I’ve lost, I am trying very hard to spend it counting my blessings and remembering this wonderful man that made my life so happy. He always thought about his family first. Every single day he made me laugh and showed me how much he loved me. That is the most beautiful legacy anyone could ever leave. I am determined to honor him by remembering those wonderful years and happy times – not grieving his loss.
Maui
I love to entertain and my family has been wonderful to come to dinner and visit often. I am so blessed to have my children and some of my grandchildren nearby. Being able to spend time with them, spur-of-the-moment get-togethers, and phone calls mean the world. They have all made sure I don’t want for anything and have stepped in to help me with anything I’ve needed. Jim and I loved to have all the kids here and we loved seeing them as often as possible. I’ve made a few new friends too and I cherish the time I have with them.
Personally, I look older, grief and stress plus too many crying spells have taken a toll on me. More wrinkles and my eyes don’t shine as much with dark circles under them. I use to have a constant smile on my face, it was my normal expression. I am working on smiling more and finding things that make me happy. One of the side effects of stress is my hair is thinning, they say Covid causes that too. As my world becomes more routine, they say my hair will again gain its luster. I definitely hope so.
I’ve just recently noticed that I still use the term “we” all the time. I still think of us as a “we”. It is really hard to think as a “me”. June 9th would have been our 37th Wedding Anniversary and ever since we said “I Do”, I have thought of my life as a “we”. It probably sounds confusing to someone when I say we had family over for dinner. I need to try and add the phrase “I” or “me” to my vocabulary.
Slowly but surely I am “finding my way” with a new normal. I miss Jim more than possible to describe, but I am ok. Some days I still have to remember to just “breathe”, but every day I find something to be happy about.
I saw this on Facebook a while back and I think this is so true.
I definitely lost “me” when I lost Jim. I don’t know if I will ever find the old “me”, but I am trying hard to create a new “me”. All in all, my life is good, just different. I think I am on the right track to fully “finding my way”. I’ve learned that grief doesn’t end at the one-year mark and probably won’t at the two or three-year mark. Working through grief is just that “work”. By work I mean sometimes you just need a good cry, then it is time to pull yourself together. Don’t let those times become days and that’s so hard. I will always miss Jim and always love Jim. Grief is learning to move forward one step at a time without him. I think I am learning how to do that and I think he would be proud. He was a special gift from God and I want to always remember that.
I saw a video that explains how “We Don’t Move On From Grief, We Move Forward With It.” I am finding my way, but I am not moving on. Jim will always be the center of my world and life, however, I am moving forward. I want his memory to be something that makes us all happy. He showed all of us so much love and he was such a happy and fun person to be around. Those are the memories I want all of us to have. I am trying to recall each memory with a smile, just the way he always was – “smiling”.
Thank you all for being there for me. Bloggers are amazing and such a caring and loving group of ladies. You guys have been my rock. Doing things around the house and sharing on my blog has kept me sane. It’s my one link to some kind of “normal”. I love to read your blogs and enjoy your world and I can’t thank you enough for sharing my world. Thank you all, you are a true Blessing to me, and mean more to me than you will ever know.
I’m so sorry.
This is the first time I could read through an entire post about your loss. COVID took my mother too, in April last year. Tomorrow would have been her birthday. The not being able to say goodbye to her was one the rudest of things COVID stole from me, not even a funeral in those early days of COVID. I couldn’t get TOO close to your posts about your loving husband because it was just TOO painful for me to think of your much greater loss of your best friend, soul mate and lover. It was unfathomable to consider what you had lost. But I did pray for you each and every time. I’ve aged significantly this last eighteen months and that makes me depressed. Many signs. And the physical pain of all the stress has been pretty debilitating. But about one year in I revived a welcomed easing from the grief’s grip and have been working hard in 2021 to regain physical strength and better healthier habits so the physical pain is now easing up. The continuing threats and limits COVID presents doesn’t make it any easier to move on. I pray you too will turn a corner soon and your journey to finding your new you.
That was beautifully put. It’s hard to believe it’s been a year already. I like the “moving forward with it” concept. It’s all you can do. Blessings to you as you move forward. Many hugs Marty.
Tears before coffee.
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. You know how babies cry the minute you leave the room just to quickly get something? In their little minds, part of them and the only one they most needed left.
I think that’s how death is. They’re in the next room.
I’m so sorry. He looked like a wonderful, wonderful man.
Wendy
Sending a virtual hug.
Wonderful memories of your Jim make me smile, too!
Take care and continue to enjoy those special moments!
Prayers for you Marty. I have followed your blog for years and so enjoy hearing about what you are doing. May the lord be with you and give you comfort..
I understand, Marty. I was widowed six years ago (at age 72) when my husband didn’t return from a day trip to a town 60 miles away. He and his car weren’t found for 30 hours which was a tortuous wait for me. He was killed instantly . After I received the official news from the police, I wondered if I’d ever breathe again. I went through the motions of “living” but I was “existing”. I was living in a town three hours from my nearest son ,and none of my family. I was surrounded by loving friends whom I called my “angels”. They stayed with me around the clock until my son arrived (and for several days after the funeral). But the day came when they were all gone and I had to be alone. That first night, I don’t think I slept a wink, yet – I was exhausted. The next day I felt like was “the first day of the rest of my new life”. Yes, our lives change; yes, I still miss him terribly; and yes, I kept putting one foot in front of the other. Today, I have moved back to the town where my son and adult grandson live and am in a loving relationship with the widower of a dear friend who died 4 years ago. We think God put us together in our grief, but so much happiness has entered our lives since.
We never know what our future holds, and my prayer for you is that God continues to comfort you and your family in your time of grief, and just know that you and your precious Jim will one day be together again. God Bless You, Marty.
I really admire how you how you have handled your grief. I can only imagine the depth of it. Prayers for continued strength.
I understand and enjoy reading your blog. I lost my son in September of last year. I always identified myself as a mother, now, I am not sure who I am anymore. One day at a time, some days, one hour at a time. It is hard, but we must keep trying to find our new way. ~jackie~
So sorry!! Pray each day will be a better day for you. I can only imagine how you feel. I always look forward to your blog in my E-mail it makes my day.
May God bless you and give you the strength only He can give.
Thank you for sharing your perspective one year after such a huge loss. It is so hard to believe what this pandemic has and continues doing. Not Covid, but my sister’s husband passed suddenly in June (married 52 yrs), and she is anxious to get past all the ‘firsts’ that these coming months will bring. I appreciate you sharing on your blog. Blessings for forging your new path.
So sorry for what you’ve gone through. I’m glad you have the support of your dear friends and family. Sending love and hugs to you.
Oh sweet Marty, the first year was a learning year for me. Trying to smile without feeling guilty, trying to have a good time without feeling guilty and on and on. I took it a minute at a time, some days when fast and smooth, others were long, very long with a lot of rough edges to them. I’m sure you’ve received a ton of advice. Just remember there is no time frame. you’ll capture your new normal when it’s just right for you. I’ll continue for you to have peace. Many thoughts and prayers for you. Lynne
Dear Marty,
I am so very sorry for your loss. My condolences.
HUGS.
How blessed you are for having such a love story.
d
Thank you for sharing that. It helps me relate to a friend who lost her husband. Praying God will continue to help you more forward.
Marty.
My heart goes out to you. I can say, I admire you so much. You never quit! By you keeping going, it kept me going. I look everyday to see what you are up to, this gives me the courage to keep going.
I am a new follower to your blog and wanted to say how very sorry I am for your loss of your husband. Your post today brought tears as you beautifully expressed yourself a year out from your loss. How brave to write, but I hope also a bit healing. Thank you for sharing for all of us experiencing some loss in this especially terrible time of covid.
Thank you for sharing. Very beautifully written.
Thank you for writing such a difficult post. I know it will help others find their path back from a horrible loss compounded by the cause of the loss. Your path won’t be the exact one for others but you left bread crumbs to survive the first year. And you are modeling surviving a loss and still making a new life for all your family and friends. Wishing you the very best for each new day.
Oh Marty I cannot even begin to imagine your grief, but you have expressed so beautifully what an amazing person Jim was to you. I’m glad you have strong family and friends around to help on this side of the journey. You’re always in my prayers and thoughts, and I hope for peace and comfort❤️❤️❤️
Lovely writing about Jim.
I feel I have a deeper understanding on the emotional turmoil that you and two recent widows at church are going through. I don’t know what to do for the widows other than pray. I’m praying for you.
Marty, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I haven’t blogged for awhile so I didn’t know. It’s 4 years since my DJ passed suddenly, and as my mom who was a widow at 49 used to say, you never get over it, you just get used to it. I still have trouble not saying “we”.
I try to keep as busy as possible, it makes the time pass.
The empty feeling is always there though.
Take care of yourself.❤️
I can’t imagine, and I’m praying for you. My husband and I recently celebrated 36 years.
Have thought of you and your grief over this past year. I, too, felt completely lost and had to learn who “I” was. Your picture was so happy and loving…it really was a wrench to know that you were now alone. Someone said to me, “I don’t know how you get through it.” Since you don’t have a choice, you do find a way….eventually. Praying that you find your way, and happiness, in the future.
That was a beautiful tribute to the love you shared. The love doesn’t go away and there are no rules on how to grieve. If you feel like a good cry before you get on with your day…so be it. If you feel better by saying “we” …..say it!!! Be true to yourself and do whatever you have to do. Take care of you!!!!!
I am so sorry for your loss.
What a beautiful post although i know very difficult to write . I never stop praying for you Marty.
Marty, I have no words. I can not imagine such a SUDDEN, devastating loss. I don’t know how I would manage at all. You are truly an inspiration. I haven’t been blogging because it wasn’t fun anymore, it was work and that is not what I wanted to do. I may go back, who knows. This God awful pandemic has been awful but I am SO blessed that my family has been OK and we were all able to get vaccinated, except of course my granddaughter who is too young. Thank you for all you do through your blog. I don’t comment on every post but still follow and I PRAY for you every night. God bless. XOXO, Pinky
This is such a beautiful post. It made me cry. I truly don’t. I how you do it.
I don’t know how my best friend did it.
I cherish every moment with my husband. I have been with him most of my life. Do we never bicker no but we are best friends and not only love each other but like each .
You are amazing and strong. Bless you lady.
This was so beautifully put Marty. I’m praying that things will continue to get better for you.
Thank you for this very personal and heartfelt post. I can’t remember when I found your blog, but I read it regularly and have wondered many times how you kept on posting for us in the midst of such great loss. I admire your strength and grit in continuing to live, believe, create, and give in spite of and along with great grief. Thank you. This will be a resource for me in the future.
I wish I could find the words to help you. I can only imagine what you are going through.
Such a beautiful post. You have a wonderful way of expressing your thoughts and emotions. I liked your distinction between moving on and moving forward. Best wishes for the coming year!
Oh Marty,
Thank you for sharing your heart and truth about the ordeal you have been through. I cried thru most of your post, cause I can only imagine how hard all of this has been for you and yet by God grace how you have been able to do all that you have. I am sure it would have been easy to just stay in bed and pull the covers over your head and not want to move forward………You are an inspiration, and a well loved lady, and I am so happy to know you as you are always a blessing to us too. I once read that someone said “Grief is love that has no where to go”….that seem to resonate wih me at least.
Know you are still on our prayer list everyday, and so thankful that yall moved near your children when you did. Cause unfortunately there is no time limit on grief. May the Lord continue to bless your journey, and think it is so neat you go to the cemetery and talk with him several times a week. That’s a healthy outlet I think……….and what a legacy of love he left and you are wise to not forget that and try to carry it on. I think the smiles will return more and more as time goes on, remember to be patient with yourself, the way you would be with someone else who was in your situation.
Love and Blessings hon,
Nellie
Thanks for sharing your story, Marty.
I read your blog often. Your home is beautiful and I am glad you receive joy there and with your family and friends. Your loss is heartbreaking and I hope you receive comfort anew each day.
I read about this on FB a year ago, and I am so, so sorry for your terrible loss. Yes, bloggers are typically good people and make great friends. And are there when you need them. Don’t allow grief to consume you, but instead allow it to move through you.
Brenda
Oh Marty I found myself shaking my head yes yes as I read your words. Ithink it’s the love and gratefulness that give us what some people call strength but we both know where that comes from. My heart feels your heart and yes we are the lucky ones to have had what we had and still carry in our hearts. God bless you Marty. Much love,
Kathysue
What a beautiful man he must have been. You were indeed a blessed woman to have shared your life with such a man.
Hang on to those precious memories. You will be reunited one day. God bless you.
What a lovely tribute to your husband. I completely understand the ‘we’ since my husband and I will be married 35 years next month. Not many people are as fortunate! I know it isn’t easy, but you are doing a wonderful job moving forward. Take it one day at a time, Marty.
This is hard and beautiful at the same time. I pray that as you move forward you find more joy and see more blessings. Love your heart, Marty.
I think I’ve aged a lot this year too. I’ve had thinning hair because of this virus.
I was thinking of you and now I know why! The idea of “moving forward” has helped me through my and Jon’s aging, also. Lots of losses happening at this time, most certainly. I’m so glad you have family, I just have a distant sister, and cousins around the country who don’t care, they’re busy living their lives. It’s pretty hard when family is so distant! Blessings to you.
So so sorry for your tremendous loss ❤️
Prayers
Marty, I have thought of you often since your loss. What a wonderful tribute to your husband and the love you shared.
Sweet friend I can only imagine what it could be like losing your best friend and sidekick after 36 years together. You do become a we for most of your life and then to become a me must be very hard. Sharing and praying and letting us care and cry with you is a great sign that you have faith that God is good and taking care of Jim and someday you two will be together again. Time does not ever take away great loss but it has a way of making each day more tolerable in your grief. Memories can begin to replace times of sheer sadness and despair. So happy you can find things in life again that make you smile. Prayers for you that you can continue to move forward in life and find joy in life again. xoxo
I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you have many beautiful memories and a wonderful family to help you remember Jim. Praying for you today.
Marty 2 months after you lost Jim on Oct 25 I lost my daughter to Covid I still can’t believe she’s gone! I had her for 59 years and she was my best friend and we did so much together. I’lm still having a hard time with it and probably always will. It seems everything reminds me of her! I also am trying to find ways to move on and enjoy the life I have left. You know we will never get over it we just have to learn to live with it. Bless you Marty
five years now and i still grieve over my husband
he was my life
40 years
your words are my thoughts.
it does not go away, it changes
everyday
some days i actually feel happy
other days i feel pain so deep
i can not breathe
those of us still here
will hold each other up
My heart breaks for your not being able to hold your beloved Jim as he passed. I am so sorry for your heartache.
On a practical note, the best things for thinning hair are Biotin tablets and collagen powder. The powder is mixed into liquid and drunk daily. After two months, my hairdresser asked why my hair was growing so fast and getting thicker. I hope it works for you.
So sorry for your loss and all you have been through. You have been amazingly strong. It’s good that you have such a supportive family and friend group.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father to Covid too in last March. My Mom is 81 years old and they were married for almost 57 years…My Mom is my neighbor and I have been with her every day,every time I can. We pray the Rosary together…We don’t know God’s plans, but I trust Him. Things happened as a nightmare. What difficult time. God comfort you and bring you peace. Sincerely, Maristella.
Marty, I think of you so often and keep you in my prayers. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for sharing such personal feelings. We are all grateful you continued your blog and shared your life with us. There are times I wonder if you used a spare because you were having a bad day. Seems like it was God’s plan for you to move closer to family.
A few years back I lost three members of my immediate family in four months. You feel numb.
“You never know when the last time will be the last time”
When I had chemo I saw this quote:
“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is kind of like telling a charging bull you are a vegetarian”
Dennis Wholey
This post is such a wonderful tribute. Prayers for you, Marty.❤️
Oh, Marry – I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine your pain and I admire your courage and strength. I pray for you to have peace…and think you have reminded us to cherish our spouses each day – you are blessed to have had such a wonderful husband and precious memories. Wishing you peace.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us Marty. I remember reading about your beloved and my heart broke for you and your family. I remember telling my husband that your name was his name…Marty…and your story and we both sat down together and prayed for you both. This ugly VIRUS has taken so many and so much away from us. But, I am truly believing that God will give back in three fold what Satan has taken. Praying for you this morning, Hugs and blessings, Cindy
Hola Marty, no tengo un un blog pero te sigo hace mucho tiempo porque me gustan las decoraciones y la vida familiar. Derramé lágrimas cuando leí lo de la partida de Jim, ustedes siguen siendo esa pareja especial que nos enseña que se puede ser pareja, aún en tiempos difíciles. El tiempo pasa muy rápido y de seguro que encontrarás el camino, y cuando vuelvas a sonreir, él también lo hará. Deseo de corazón que vuelvas a encontrar tú camino, tienes una familia muy linda y los nuevos nietos te darán mucha alegría. Abrazos a la distancia desde Costa Rica.
Thank you for sharing your journey from last year to this. You’ve been on my heart this last week, knowing it was at this time that Jim passed. Reading through your story and how you’ve trusted in God helps me grow in my faith. I cant’ even express how much it teaches me.
Thank you Marty,
Hugs and prayers
RR
Hugs to you
Hi,
I just read your post from a link from another blogger. My heart goes out to you. I was widowed in 2004, being married to a man with many health problems, including 4 kidney transplants. He taught me that we can go through anything and he went through EVERYTHING without complaining at all. He said, “God gave him his issues because he could handle them.” He surely handled them well.
I need to ask you if Jim ever sent you a “message”? I hope you looked for birds, hummingbirds, cardinals, rainbows, his songs, a joke that was brought up that definitely reminded you of something he would say, coins, feathers, certain numbers. A lot of people don’t ask their loved ones to send a sign, but if you do, they will often answer. Even your dreams can be a comfort from the grave. I would love to hear your story and hear Jim’s love from beyond. Sometimes it takes a little time to have it happen, sometimes just be aware will bring their loving message to you.
My love and hugs to you,
Tracey
Dear Marty,
I just now read your comments on the loss of your precious husband. I am so sorry for you, esp. since he passed from this dreadful virus. I really don’t know what I can say but I want you to know that I will say a prayer for you. I am glad that you have a strong faith in God, He will support you. And wipe your tears.
Keep up with your blog and know that we all are with you in spirit and support you also.
Hugs from Patty